Making Love Work

A Day with Terry Real

Terry Real has a system to help couples navigate from the 20th to the 21st century

Consider this option. You walk out to your garage and you can pick the new Lexus or the old covered wagon. You know that if you choose the covered wagon, it will be one headache after another. It doesn't really work well on I-70, and it causes an amazing number of problems. But, you decide to get in that old covered wagon anyone, knowing it will be a disaster.

Every day and every moment of every day, you have this same sort of choice in how you decide to handle your relationship. You could pick a new and different option – if you knew one. But instead, you choose to go through the same door, time after time. And, each time it is a relational disaster and you and your partner are in the same fight – AGAIN!

What does it mean to move from the 20th century to the 21st century in regards to relationship? Instead of picking that old covered wagon, you would pick a new – Lexus kind of view. That means a few things. First, you would know that all relationships go through the stages of harmony, disharmony and repair. Understanding how to create that repair is what is new and necessary in the 21st century. Second, you would have the appropriate skills to insure the repair took place. And, third, you would be able to use these skills regardless of whether you are just entering a new relationship, are in a state of normal marital hatred, or are ending your relationship but want to end in a healthy manner, especially if there are children.

In this article, I want to look at the idea of harmony – disharmony (or disillusionment)- and repair. In any relationship, at any stage of a relationship, we will go through these phases. It might be years, months or even during a dinner conversation. It might sound like this in your head.

This is a great restaurant. I'm so glad he/she decided to take us here for date night. (I'm feeling in harmony with my partner). Then, in the blink of an eye, he/she says something that “hurts” your feelings. (This is disharmony – disillusionment).

Clearly they know nothing about me. Why was I even thinking nice thoughts about them and our relationship. He/she is such a jerk. Oh, they recognized that wasn't a nice thing to say. They are using their relational skills. They made amends of some sort. And, now we have REPAIR.

It is imperative that we recognize this cycle. And, that this cycle happens in each and every relationship. It affects us the most in our closer and more intimate relationships. If we keep believing that our relationship will end like the fairy tales and be “happy ever after”, we will have a lot of difficulty dealing with the moments of disharmony in our relationship.

So, what does repair mean. It is essential that true repair occur. It is these very skills that Terry Real will be talking about on October 13, 2007 at the Arvada Center . A few tips for repair include:

  1. Stopping yourself and apologizing as soon as possible,
  2. Explain to your partner exactly what you understand about what you did and how it might have impacted them,
  3. Make amends – sometimes “I'm sorry” isn't enough,
  4. Be willing to truly hear – no objections, excuses, reasons, logic – what the impact was like for them. Not talking about it will NOT make it go away. It will fester under the surface until the next time,
  5. Move back to harmony.

Find out about these and other skills on October 13, 2007 at the Arvada Center. Terry Real will be talking about how to move into the 21st century, skills needed to do this effectively, and specific skills like moving into repair. Sign up today (space is limited) by going to www.peoplehouse.org and clicking on the Terry Real Event.

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